The Thumb Rule!

"Why do one have to always hurt the ones you love? And consciously so?" She asked.

I never had answer for that. You know why!

The woods were dark and must be cold. I could see fact and fiction blended in her eyes!  The silence, skipping the painful phrases. I am used to it now, I think. I preferred to think that I didn't see, I didn't hear.

The bizarre mind.. I believe now it is pretty usual, is int it? I don’t feel like not to. I am lost and you are loosing me. She is not getting words. So? What is it for me? Better avoid it..!

She should understand I am already lost in never forgetting dreams and ever remembering days. Now expecting the worst and hoping the best, hope.. ya still hoping. ?? 

No, seriously.

Terrified by the forbidden dreams, I may loose the sanctification. Thy thoughts sanctified my dreams, thy dreams sanctified my solitude. Let me complete the palpitation. Let me close this chapter. I cannot withstand it any more, I cannot withstand you…rather say your dreams. I have the painful dreams of this joyful solitude…. What else to dream, to remember, to forget?

Somebody please tell her this thumb rule. Things will change. They always do. And learning to let go has been the lesson always....!! 

"You are so cruel"

Isn't it ironic that the only person who can make you happy is the same person who makes you sad & lonely? The fact is sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example. There comes a time when u have to stop remembering your past and move on. No regrets in life, just lessons. Don't expect too much. It's always better to feel surprised than to feel disappointed. 

Oh dear, why a monologue again? Cheesy. The myriad of confusion to the society? 

The congeries of emotional licking. Its not about what happened, its all about why happened. What is so obvious, but not why. People are not satisfied by the creamy layer, they edaciously dig for the mud and rust. Everyone has their own reasons. As some one said, your right may not be mine or vis versa. Alas, I understand, people are made to be loved, things are made to be used, the confusion in this world is that people are being used, things are being loved.

My sublime arguments ends here. I don’t deserve it anymore.. I don't belong to it anymore. I am cursing myself. Each time a heart broke, I reminded myself.. you will get a reward for this.. soon. Don’t know where this will end. Go away from me, I the one who hurts. Before you feel the pain, before you feel empty, before you feel that you got used, go away from this painful melancholy or you will get absorbed to it. Let me fall back to my solitude..so no one get hurt.. just me. My mind filled with dark clouds, spitting thunders every now and then. Yes it hurts. Lot. The more you try to console, the more it kindle the wounds. I am sorry, it was not intentional. hahaha… what an excuse.

I just wrote everything, everything around me, about me..truthfully. I may loose myself in it, may forget what I wished to be mine.. Like the many a thing which I already forgot. But again one thing I clearly remember, she used those long pauses in her conversations. Like in those long distance telephone calls. I know I will forget this also one day! And now I will borrow her ever favorite line, with a smile once she told me contentedly,  "You are so cruel". Yes, She was kidding. No.

                          

Beautiful land of sunshine and laughter!

Are you sure that you are in the other land, the so called “beautiful land of sunshine and laughter”.. if yes.. you mean you betrayed your heart/soul for the sheer achievement of vitamin K (from sunlight) and prolonged life (Laugh more,live more). 

I believe it is utter failure that you didn't realize, this is life & there is no other land, ya of course, we are in search of the land where we may (at least we wish) find pleasure of every kind may be you are just dreaming. 

The way which you wheedled me towards your covets (presumably), through your last notes explaining me the wonderful world of so called beautiful… reckon either you dream always about it or you are in the same LAND, still with a ashamed (presumably) face hidden behind an anonymous smile.

I am not awed by a confused mind.. rather than leaving it to incarcerate by the life, I prefer to mutilate my heart to crave for a freedom from my mind mostly when I am drunk because I have enough things to think about otherwise.. may be about a LAND .

It is much more painful than it is now but I love it that way. At least none to be bothered about. It is me and me only.

Pathetic issues and inability to differentiate between the reality and laughable. The forgetfulness of this night. Being at a position that you ever want to re-read the same statement, more or less the same. Captured by the things that is hated more than u enjoy. I calls it back, I effing calls it back. 


Bloody thoughts, the perishing soul, the morality and my heart. The bites of sharp teeth. Go now, it is time for you to leave. From this atrocious, abominable breaths. 

Over. Move on...

Another year, another one to forget, another one to remember. A lot of changes, new ways, new faces. It just went away, as few of them wished, it was a good one but a small one. The ending was perfect, even though with overwhelming solitude which I always loved or may be it is a beginning, a perfect one. Never believed in celebrations, never had one whenever I wished. I love this evening, I love this night, with a full moon adding to the cold. Few stars here and there wishing me, I believe. Darn I am not able to take a pic of it, too lazy to go up to the terrace in this cold. 

I want to love this, give me a reason to love. The bubbles hurrying up to escape, let me take another sip, let me kill the show. As usual another year blessed by dreams, a few unexpected and few exceptional. The fragrance is still around. May I take a dip in to it. May I engulf its soft sweetness for a few min. For how long? heh yet another dream. An attempt to be free, I wish this be real. A bitter happiness with a better sorrow. The fragrance just touched me with another wish. 

My year end always (as if I had many to remember aargh!) filled with wishes for someone else… How can I even compare. At least I am blessed with that. As usual it was as usual. The bubbles are still tempting me to write more. It is the same road, the one which I traveled all these years, come on you can make it. ha..where? Another fascinating year? Anything new is fascinating…alas let it be. It’s over now, it’s all over. Don’t hope, just wish. aah… it’s the end, another two sips, I am done. Few minutes to cross the border. Still the night is mine.. only mine. I am searching.. everywhere, still..another year, another one to forget, another one to remember... Always like to remember 2011 in 3 Words. "Over. Move on..."

The cryptic life!!

The cryptic life of mine.. or may be I am keeping it that way. A crappy introverts dreams, where he realizes the need to be an extrovert. Atleast a dream or escapism from himself. A thrust, a pretence to find confluence to fullfill his minds orgasmic nature. Clomping memoirs where he realizes that what he lived is not what he needed. His extensive need to gain the things that he lost or those things that he never tried to get or what he saw in others, an exotic life where he is free to express his feelings, to open his mad mind, his heart to every one. 

But it is all dreams, an exhilarated life which is unspeakable. Sorry it is no discourtesy to his life but a trance of an agitated minds tedious puke which fumble its way towards the distorted heaven. But all this in a furtive but vogue beliefs which he aquinted from the society where he is forced to pretend that he is one of them. While other lounge their presence in the society he fumbles in between the mind and the society. 

Some time he flinches by the way others react but still keep the belief that he aquired from his tiring life. He is afraid of the people around him, a fear of social consciousness. May be his acts will cause a ludicrous effect on others. 

Ya it is just the fear of the dangerous abuse prevailed around him. He want to take an errand towards the mythical (for him) fruits of a sinisterous, fearless life. A deception to his own shackless life… may be lot of grammer mistakes. I am in no mood to correct it.. anyway it is all dreams… dreams are always grammar-less with lot of spelling mistakes!!!

The undefined deviance of lff..

Thinking about the past.. I should have done few thing and should not have done something. But I am afraid the weight is more on the one which I should have done. Lost lot of things, lost love or I denied myself from that? Crap!!! Good that I am forgeting things so fast..

I understand the sarcastic miseries of life playing anomalous tyranny on me. The dominance which cannot be pacified by the outcries of obsolete present. Framed by words, framed by emotions, framed by distance, the result is all the same.

Pulling down the deep proportions of the past, the dilemma still remains. Crucify me for the imminent mistakes, bury me for the misleading comments. I may not resurrect, I may not phoenixfied, but I may lay down in the memoirs, as what? Dont Know!! May be it is not the time yet. May be its high time. Its been on and off in my mind, bit by bit.

Hold me tight, hold me to heart. I am falling, catch me.

Aghh.... The undefined deviance of lff..